As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
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Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen
North and South
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.