[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
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Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”