One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
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Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Me My dog
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.