I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
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Tony Hawk, age 6
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I like crazy people until they notice me
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good