As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
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Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*