Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
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I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
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Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
The real reason evolution started..😂
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”