Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
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“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Made something I’m not proud of
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money