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Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Here’s a meme
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up