[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
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“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
🔦🌙👣
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
when revenge coincides with naptime
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud