Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
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What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.