My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
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boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Alexa; make it look like an accident
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.