They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
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If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
🙋♀️
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Just parrot things
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Yoga Matt
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.