If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
my proudest tweet
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
The Friday File.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater