They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
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[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
reviewed some movies recently
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus