Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
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Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Venn
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.