Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
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[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”