first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
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Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
i baked you a cake
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
At least my masseuse has my back.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH