Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
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My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!