I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
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sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
Hamburger Hinderer.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
I never know how much to tip a cow.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
New favorite tiktok
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do