FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
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Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Match dot com, but for socks.