[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
You Might Also Like
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
Alexa: *deep breath*
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”