My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
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They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>