Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
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in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe