3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
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Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
⛄️
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
True statement👍😏😁
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?