My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
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I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Good boy 😂😂
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.