DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
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Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.