The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
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me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
law suits: quality garments for lawyers