Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
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Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
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If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.