I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
You Might Also Like
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!