Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
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You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??