boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
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Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Holy moly
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.