I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
You Might Also Like
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.