*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
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ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Aw man, but that’s the best part
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.