Anime is real
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[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*