*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
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Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
is nasa ok
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…