Can’t, holding a grudge
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Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…