Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
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genie: please no
millipede: more legs
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
i dont have time for this
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Never forget.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter