they should invent a rest for the wicked
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Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.