Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
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It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Hmm, not sure about this change
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven