This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
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Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
#Caturday
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me