The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
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*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Just this preview of the story is enough
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
[arguing with my wife]
WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?