When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
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Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.