Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
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I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.