Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
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burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.