[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
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devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
getting old is fun
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Sunday
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click