I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
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So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.