“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
You Might Also Like
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing