Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
You Might Also Like
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
A friend sent me this.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.