Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
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Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
I think my mom just blocked me
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop