All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
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Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.